From the API Newswire:
April 1, 2017
Professor Unmasks “What’s the best Knife” Guy
SAN JOSE, California (API) — After a three-month investigation, researchers at North San Jose University finally unmasked an insidious Internet troll.
Professor of Social Media, Bo Drill, stumbled into the discovery by accident. Professor Drill practices “bushcraft” as a hobby. Bushcraft is the practical knowledge of the natural world. Bushcraft skills provide shelter, water, fire and food from materials found in the natural environment.
As a devotee of Bushcraft, Professor Drill spent much of his time on Internet forums and Facebook groups devoted to the subject. “I actually spent more time at my computer than in the woods,” admits a sheepish Drill.
But he began to notice a pattern. “Someone would always post the question: What’s the best knife for bushcraft? Or, what’s the best knife for survival?” This invariably touched off a firestorm as each group member advocated for his favorite cutting tool. These hotly contested debates often became personal, with hurt feelings on all sides.
Being a professor of social media, Drill noticed a pattern. “Although the accounts were always different, the wording of the questions were similar. I began to wonder if it was the same person asking all these questions.”
Using a variety of computer algorithms, Professor Drill tracked-down the Internet troll. It turned out to be college student Peter Ennis. “Most of the computer accounts were actually a sham,” says Drill. “But one of the accounts, for P. Ennis, turned out to be real.”
When confronted, Mr. Ennis admitted to the acts. “He loved igniting flame wars as each person rushed to put forth their favorite knife as the best,” Drill explained.
Mr. Ennis derived amusement from the chaos he sewed. He had derisive names for each of the “knife cliques,” as he termed them. There were the “Mora-ns”, the “Bark River B******,” and an even more offensive name for those who love Fallknivens.
Professor Drill suspects Ennis may be responsible for much more. “I’m still looking into whether he is responsible for the O1 vs. stainless, drop point vs. spear point, convex vs. scandi, and batoning vs. axe, flame wars that are so common to Internet forums.”
The professor advises that next time you see a “best knife” debate on the Internet, check to see if it was started by a P. Ennis.
Correction to the Story above: If you haven’t already figured it out, this is an April Fools joke. Happy April Fools!
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